Spiritual discernment is a demanding yet liberating adventure that invites us to seek in our lives to do the Lord’s will, to please him in all things, with the certainty that he is present and that he makes everything work for our good. We must choose to “build our house on rock”, and accept the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
For couples, this process takes on a special dimension, as it involves not only a personal quest but also a journey for both of us. It’s not just a one-off choice, but an ongoing process that involves our whole being and our relationship.
Following Christ as a couple requires an open heart, attention to inner movements, kind accompaniment and constant checking of our common journey.
Here are a few essential steps to help you move forward on this path with confidence and serenity:
Cultivating the desire to follow Christ together
It all starts with a deep desire: to follow Christ. But this desire is not limited to an individual aspiration; it must become part of the life of the couple.
It’s essential to align our hearts and choices with God’s call. To do this, we need to free ourselves from the obstacles that limit our inner freedom and marital unity. These obstacles can take many forms: toxic relationships, harmful habits, paralyzing fears or excessive attachments to material goods that prevent the couple from growing in faith and love. By identifying these obstacles together and turning away from them, the couple makes room for greater availability to God and to each other. This purification of the heart enables the couple to move forward in a dynamic of growth and renewed love.
Recognizing inner motions in couples
One of the keys to discernment is to recognize the inner movements that inhabit us, individually and as a couple. Saint Ignatius of Loyola distinguishes two fundamental spiritual states: “desolation” and “consolation”.
Desolation manifests itself as a feeling of sadness, of being closed in on oneself, a loss of confidence and distance from God and others. Conversely, consolation brings deep peace, lasting joy and a desire to open up to God and one’s partner. It is therefore essential in marital discernment to learn to identify these movements in ourselves and in the relationship. If a decision causes tension and division, it deserves to be reconsidered. If it generates peace and unity, it is probably a sign from the Spirit.
The importance of accompaniment
Discernment doesn’t happen alone, and this is even truer for a couple. It’s essential to surround yourself with people you can trust to help you see things more clearly: an accompanying couple, a priest or a spiritual friend can play a decisive role. Sharing your inner motions and those of the couple with a third party allows you to step back and refine your discernment. This accompaniment is not a way of delegating responsibility, but a precious support to help us better hear God’s voice in our marital and family choices.
Listening to the Word of God can also help us in this stage of listening to God’s voice.
Sorting out and deciding together
Once the inner motions have been identified, it’s time to sort out what leads the couple towards God and what leads them away. Discernment is not simply a matter of choosing between good and evil; it sometimes involves choosing between two goods. In this case, it is necessary to examine which leads to greater love, greater communion and greater self-giving in the relationship. St. Ignatius recommends both moderation and radicality in love. A good decision should foster the couple’s spiritual growth and commitment to the service of others.
Confirmation: making sure you’re on the right path together
Finally, once the decision has been made, it’s important to check that it is in line with God’s will, and that it bears fruit for the couple. To do this, we need to observe the fruits it bears: lasting peace? greater charity? strengthened faith? deeper marital unity? The presence of difficulties or inner struggles does not mean that the decision is wrong; on the contrary, it can be the sign of an authentic commitment that disturbs and arouses resistance. In such cases, it’s crucial to persevere, relying on prayer, mutual listening and the help of brothers and sisters.
Conclusion
The path of marital discernment is a true spiritual journey, leading to greater inner freedom and more authentic love. By cultivating together the desire to follow Christ, by listening to the motions of our heart and those of our relationship, by seeking benevolent accompaniment and confirming our choices in prayer, we can move forward with confidence. This path is sometimes demanding, but it is always a source of growth and grace. Let’s give thanks to the Lord for every step we take as a couple towards Him, and ask Him for the strength to continue moving forward in faith, love and mission as a couple.